Little Johnny comes calling


As Miss Trixie and I approach our soon-to-be 11th summer together, we just may have hit the inevitable seven-year itch where people break up.

It seems that she suddenly discovered that Ol’ Dutch only has nine toes and she herself is lack-toes-intolerant.

I know. That was a bad joke. I stole it from someone on the Internet, and you get what you pay for. And, in this case, nothing.

The Internet really is a wonderful place where a person can explore places, people and events to his or her heart's content.

There is enough historical writings and videos on there to keep even Ol’ Dutch entertained most of the time and that's a lot of information right there, let me tell you what.

Of late I have noticed the huge increase in the number of what is called feel-good stories on there. You know the type? Stories that people write that are supposed to make the reader feel good at the end with some kind of unbelievable ending to a tragic beginning.

Most, if not all of them, are what has become known as “false news” or what we called “lies” back in the day. It's the same thing as when politicians say they “mis-spoke” instead of saying the truth, “I lied.”

The little stories are written in such a way as to draw the reader into some sad little kid's life and either through divine intervention or miraculous happenings, the subject of the story is made rich, happy and or gets a new loving family. You know the type.

Ol’ Dutch is not new to this type of contrivance as I used to celebrate Christmas with a niece-in-law who would read the same story about little Billy every year to all of us gathered there. And she would just cry and cry as she read it while we all waited patiently for her to end so we could get to the pumpkin pie and Cool Whip.

Ol’ Dutch, a raconteur from way back, has been known to spin a yarn or two. My stories are always about two little children, Little Johnny and Little Suzy, who lived up at Bachelor, Colo., in the old mining days.

I can always elicit a “those poor little children” from my attentive listeners as they buy into the story hook, line, and sinker no matter how many times I tell it or how large I embellish it.

The measure of success, however, to any of these stories whether online or one you make up yourself is the ending. If you really want your listeners to go away with good vibes you need to be sure and structure said story with a horrible beginning and a wonderful ending and that just is not that hard in the land of, make believe.

A sad lilting voice as you tell it also helps to convince your listeners that you are sincere and can tug at the heart strings like a preacher trying to jerk lost souls from the portals of Hell itself.

And I guess we all were really brought up on such stories with fables like Little Red Riding Hood, Hansel, and Gretel plus the Seven Dwarfs. Or as they are known today, vertically challenged little people who I thought were gnomes anyway. Go figure.

But you get my drift and even our movies are generally written with the same kind of pattern of a slow sad start and a happy ending. This is called “smart” by the movie producers as they want us to go away elated and willing to return to sequels numbering in the many’s.

So, we are awash with fake news, fake stories and even fake boobs that I guess are also a happy ending to a sad ending of sorts so there you have it.

And all we can do is go along for the ride as everyone from news outlets, Hollywood writers and even the televangelists see fit to try and somehow reach our inner soul.

Which, if you’re looking for Ol’ Dutch’s soul, is deeper than that nonsense can reach if it's ever found at all.

Kevin Kirkpatrick and his Yorkie, Cooper, fish, hunt, ATV or hike daily. His email is [email protected]. Additional news can be found at www.troutrepublic.com.

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