Trout Republic: Don’t butter my potato

The invention of the internet brought this massive information highway of constant news and non-news, so now purveyors of gossip can access you 24 hours a day.

Since my phone is always within reach, I never miss news of a flood in Bangladesh or a kitten playing with a feather -- both events so important to my daily life.

Of late the news is feeding us a plethora of information about Prince Harry and Meghan and their hardship in paying bills on their hundreds of million dollar fortune. Just yesterday Ol’ Dutch learned that poor Harry will have to pay an exorbitant amount of taxes on his income due to being a Britisher on American soil.

While this may seem excessive to him and others, it does kind of even the playing field for us from the tea tax the Crown imposed on early Americans and caused the largest tea party ever recorded. It also set a Guinness record for the largest tea drink ever created as Boston Harbor ran brown with India’s finest blend.

So, it appears that Harry will have to pay unless he can find the right politician to pay off, which if I were betting, will probably take place.

Miss Trixie has some real insight into the Royals having contact with them in her past life. That and her second toe is longer than the rest which is a sure sign of royal blood flowing through her veins.

It seems that Prince Charles has a lot of servants that pretty much take care of his every need and even has a person to run his bathwater for him. Not only that but it has to be the exact depth and temperature, or he has a hissy fit of immense proportions. We can’t have a future King doing such mundane tasks such as that as he is probably too busy polishing his medals or eating crumpets and whey.

And the grand old lady herself, Queen Elizabeth has her own quirky habits that must be attended to by the peons among them. It seems that she has a person that travels in her entourage when she goes abroad that carries her toilet seat in a box to be changed out whenever her Royal derriere has to sit on the facilities.

I know that this may seem excessive to those among us who have straddled a log to take care of business while hiking or on other outdoor adventures such as Miss Trixie on Mount Everest. But it’s a slippery slope if you allow your royalty to become so common as to poop in a normal fashion and by doing so, the lower castes among us would soon expect them to put on their pants one leg at a time, too.

All this reminds me of a time way long ago when I was still being tortured by my then wife and we went to a fancy dinner the location and event long forgotten by Ol’ Dutch. But I do recall that at that dinner we were served the most scrumptious food and it included prime rib cooked to perfection, some creamy vegetables and a gorgeous baked potato split and steamy in a foil wrapper shaped like a flamingo.

I had just settled down and was about to dive into this platter of goodness when a young man suddenly appeared at my arm and reached in and began cutting up my steak. At first, I about stabbed his hand as I thought he was stealing my rare slab of beef. And that was a shocker but it’s what happened next that really takes the cake.

Another young man appeared at my other side and wanted to butter my potato. Now folks, Ol’ Dutch has seen War and seen Eleanor but nothing prepared me for this.

This last act of servitude and their thinking me helpless was all I could take and I embarrassed the now ex-wife by demanding to butter my own tater. There are some things even a man of my refined cultural sensitivities cannot abide.

I suppose they were just being nice and if being served as such really does not bother you, I suggest you take off your shoes and see if that second toe is longer than the rest. You might just be Royalty and not even know it.

Kevin Kirkpatrick and his Yorkie, Cooper, fish, hunt, ATV or hike daily. His email is [email protected] Additional news can be found at  or on Twitter at TroutRepublic


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